I just spent four hours in a study session. We (meaning me and the two other girls I was studying with) tried to pretend we were actually having a party, but if we were it was the worst party ever. My contemporary criticism midterm is tomorrow, and this is the class that’s had me questioning my entire existence as both a grad student and a human being. I’m at the point now where I’m just ready to get it over with, even if that means I make a -5 or something (and yes, I know I’m exaggerating). I don’t know what more I can do, and so I guess I should just let it be, but I can’t because I’m obsessive and compulsive and perfectionistic and all of those other qualities that sometimes make me wonder if I don’t need to be locked in a padded cell.
Why do I do this to myself? No one is standing in front of me, insisting that I make straight A’s or telling me to constantly worry about being a better friend, a better student, a better Christian, a better person. I just torture myself. And I sound like a broken record, too because it seems that I always am coming back to this issue, and I’m as tired of writing and thinking about it as you are of reading it. I should just end this entry now. It’s late, I’m mentally and emotionally exhausted, and nothing ever seems that great when I’m in a state such as this. How grateful I am for His mercies that are new every morning! May I wake up with this remembrance, and may it put a smile on my face and joy in my heart.
“When anxiety was great within me, your consolation brought joy to my soul.” Psalm 94:19