What’s Weighing Me Down

1. Sometimes this whole weight loss thing is really hard, and I want to eat everything in sight. Saturday was one of those days, but I’m not going to allow myself to be crippled by guilt. Each day is a new day, and God’s mercies are new every morning.

2. I’m afraid I won’t reach my goal, or if I do, I’m afraid of gaining it all back. Not succeeding or not maintaining my weight are my two biggest fears. I have had this goal in my head for so long now (although 6 months isn’t too long in the grand scheme of things, I suppose) that not reaching it would be a huge disappointment. There’s also the fact that so many people know I’m trying to lose all this weight, so if I don’t, will they just see me as a failure? But then if they do, why should I care? I’m not doing this for them.

3. I care entirely too much about what other people think. It’s one of my biggest flaws, something I have battled my whole life and will probably battle for the rest of my life, but I’m so thankful that I have Stephen around to tell me when I’m being ridiculous.

4. I wish I could run long distances, or at least be able to run a mile, but something is holding me back from even putting in a concerted effort to improve at running. I think I’ve just told myself for so long that I’m not a runner that I have convinced myself of that truth. And as of right now, I’m not a runner, but is that because I can’t be one or because I just haven’t tried hard enough?

5. Occasionally I try to imagine myself as 100 pounds lighter, but I have no idea what that even looks like. I haven’t been what I would consider thin ever in my life, and even when I reach my 100 pound goal, I will probably have more to lose, as that’s at the high end of the healthy range for my size. Will I ever know skinny? And if I never do, will I be okay with that?

6. Sometimes I just want to quit. I’m going to have to think about my weight for the rest of my life, and the thought of that exhausts me. But you know what? I have thought about my weight for my whole life thus far, and most of those thoughts led nowhere. Now, however, those thoughts are becoming actions that are changing who I am, and if I keep that up, thinking about my weight won’t be a source of depression but a source of hope.

7. I worry that I won’t always have the drive to exercise like I do now. Sometimes I wake up with such determination that there is nothing to do BUT exercise. I am resolved and confident that I will succeed, and on those days, workouts are victorious, sweaty moments. On the days when I wake up and want to quit, those workouts are just sweaty, but they’re workouts nevertheless.

8. I’m afraid I don’t challenge myself enough. I don’t want to take the easy route with my workouts, just doing the same things over and over because I know them and know I can do them. I want to explore new things and discover new heights that I can reach. Sometimes I push myself as far as I think I can go. Sometimes I wimp out and just do enough to get by. I don’t want to live a life where I just get by; I want to thrive, to run the race set before me with perseverance and hope.

9. I compare my weight loss success to that of others and usually wonder how they’re losing faster than I am. In my distorted view of reality, everyone works out more, eats less, burns more calories, and loses more weight than I do. Of course this can’t be true, but logic was never my strong point.

10. I worry that I’ll pass on my problems with my weight to my kids. I really really pray that my children have Stephen’s body type and metabolism and not mine. And I really really hope I can be a good example for them and not a stumbling block.

This is a lot to carry on my shoulders every day. But fortunately for me, I don’t have to carry it:
Matthew 11:28-30: “Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.”

And none of these things matter anyway:

Matthew 6:33-34: “But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.”

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5 thoughts on “What’s Weighing Me Down

  1. I really admire your drive and I don’t know anyone who seems as committed to getting healthier! You’ve provided yourself with lots of accountability, even just in the title of your blog, so that in itself shows a lot. I think you’re doing great work and that you look beautiful!

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  2. i agree with heather–its so so hard to be healthy! and i think thats really wonderful that you’re planning on teaching healthy living to your children. i wish that i had been brought up with healthy habits, it would make it so much easier to choose the right foods now! you look beautiful and you’ve already got so much to be proud of!

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  3. oh no, i am definitely fine with you reading! i even want you to read, i love your teacher advice!i had to make my blog private because i’m a little worried about my creative writing students reading it or even my classmates that i haven’t met reading it and finding out how nervous i am about teaching and the program! once they meet me and get to know me, thats fine, but since they haven’t met me yet, i don’t want them finding it. i’m secretive, i guess, ha ha

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  4. mindless is the right word for it–its hard not to get bored. but i’m only doing it for 3 weeks, not too bad.haha, this happened today:one of the corporate guys asked me to write a letter for him and he gave it back to me with the words “lease agreement” circled and he was like “See this is a pronoun, and pronouns are always capitalized. an easy mistake”i just corrected it. but it was funny.

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  5. Hi Erin, I HAD to come visit because, clearly you have amazing taste since you laughed at my “Kat’s Crying Blog” < HREF="http://www.thesecretlifeofkat.com/site/comments/ok-i-was-wrong-this-is-my-favorite-olympic-moment-ever/#comments" REL="nofollow" TITLE="comment"><>. Now I simply must say that your layout is ultra cool. Then, the subject matter is also close to my heart. I’m also on a “journey” to lose weight in a healthy way. You’ve got my prayers and I’ll be back. Yay, I love when I find great blogs!Anyhoo, regarding your post, I have a response to almost every point, but I’ll spare ya all but one: Maybe you’re not a runner. Maybe you’re a walker, surfer, biker, or a really cool tai kwon do kinda person. Oooh, kickboxing would be awesome! When you think of movement, what interests you?No matter what, remember you are fantastically beautiful and a blessing! How can you lose, er not lose, with God on your side?

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