I cannot decide how I feel about running. I have never felt so fickle towards anything as I feel towards running. One day I love it, the next day I hate it. I loved it for almost the whole month of August, and then all of a sudden, the pleasure was gone. Every run I’ve done this month has just been something to suffer through, not something I’ve enjoyed. So why do I keep doing it? I have no idea. It hasn’t helped me lose weight, so it’s not as though I’m doing it for that reason. I do know that on the days when I have good runs, I have really really good runs–runs that leave me feeling exhausted but exhilarated and alive. When I have a bad run, I am left feeling discouraged and spent. I think in the past running was something I never really thought I could do, and the old me–the lazy, grossly obese me–definitely wouldn’t have been able to do it, but now? Now I can do it, and so I feel like I need to take advantage of my ability to do it, but is it worth it?
I have tried to figure out what was different about August, to find some clues as to why running was so enjoyable then and not now, but I can’t figure it out. In August, I had a goal of running 100 minutes every week, and I ran distances of 5 and 6 miles a few times. My longest run was about 72 minutes, and while it was difficult, I really enjoyed it. This month, I increased my goal to 120 minutes a week, but I can’t believe that has made the difference in my not wanting to do it anymore. I didn’t even meet that goal the first two weeks, but I didn’t really try, either, and last week I ran 140 minutes, so I’m kind of all over the place in terms of my time spent running.
Perhaps I am thinking about it all too much. Perhaps I need to stop worrying about whether or not I can do a half marathon and when I should do it. Perhaps I need to stop setting minute goals for myself and just run when I feel like it. Perhaps I need a break from running altogether for a while. I don’t want to be in a place where I hate running all the time.
I’m not sure I’m ready to break up with running just yet, but something needs to change. Any ideas?