If you’ve followed my blog for the past several months, then you know that I have struggled to see the scale move much at all. It took me about 4 months to lose 10 pounds, for example. Not exactly rock star weight loss results. Still, I am in this for the long haul, so I’ve lost some of the urgency I used to feel about reaching my goal weigh. However, I realized something recently that I think may help explain why my weight loss has been so slow.
I am scared to reach my goal weight.
It seems ridiculous that I would be scared of a goal I have spent over two years working towards, but it’s true. I am scared that when I do see that 161 on the scale, I won’t feel happy but will instead look at myself and think, “This is what 161 looks like? This isn’t what I thought it would be at all.” After all, I only have 15 pounds left to lose, and when I look at my body right now, I still see a lot of fat and a lot I wish were different. How much could my body really change with 15 more pounds gone? I am scared I will feel disappointed and discouraged. I have been aiming for that magical 100 pound loss for so long that I have built it up in my mind to something that at this point probably won’t meet my expectations.
So where does that leave me? What if I reach my goal weight and I am not happy? Do I try and lose more weight? But what if I reach THAT weight and am still not happy? Will it ever end? It’s clear to me in writing this that if I am expecting weight loss to be some sort of panacea for my life, then I am definitely placing my trust in the wrong thing. Perhaps instead of being so focused on the number on the scale, I need to deal with the attitude of my heart. My outward appearance is not the most important thing about me. Far from it. My relationship with God and with my husband and family, my internal character–those things are important. Ultimately, I need to come to terms with my own vanity and pride and lay them down. When God looks at me, He sees His child and loves me RIGHT NOW, in THIS MOMENT. Maybe it’s time I start doing the same.
Can anyone else relate to this? Or am I just nuts?