Let the Light Shine

When I weighed in on Wednesday, the scale showed a gain of 3 pounds. 3 pounds in one week. So instead of having only 9 pounds to lose to get to my final goal, I have 12.

I wasn’t going to blog about this, and I had a good reason not to. It’s not like I have been blogging regularly, so why interrupt my non-blogging with a post about how I’ve gained weight? It would just be embarrassing. And depressing. And humiliating.

But you know what? Not blogging about it doesn’t make the gain go away. It doesn’t change the fact that my eating habits have been far from stellar and my workouts have been few and far between. Not blogging about it may allow me to hide it from others, but I certainly can’t hide it from myself.

The irony is that on the same day I realized I gained 3 pounds, I was selected to be SparkPeople’s Motivator of the Day. I had all of these wonderful, encouraging comments from SparkPeople users on my page, telling me how inspiring and amazing I am, while inside I felt like anything but inspiring and amazing. I was tempted not to update my weight loss ticker on the site so it would still show a mere 9 pounds to lose to get to goal, but I opted for honesty. I didn’t get this far by lying to myself, by hiding the truth. In fact, I got to 261 pounds by lying to myself and hiding the truth. Back then, I didn’t tell ANYONE how much I weighed, not even my husband (until I was ready to lose the weight); I didn’t let people see how much I really ate; I didn’t want people to know what size clothing I really wore. What is pathetic is that it’s not as though my obesity was not obvious. My size belied all the things I was trying to hide, and yet I lived with the delusion that I was someone who really wasn’t THAT big. It was only when I faced the facts and saw my size as the danger to my health and life that it was that I was able to change. And it is only when I bring the truth into the light that the darkness disappears.

So yes, I gained 3 pounds. Yes, I made poor choices. But I am not giving up without a fight. I am not giving in.

I’m letting the light shine.

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6 thoughts on “Let the Light Shine

  1. Wow, I can't tell you how awesome it is that you chose to post this. I think it's more inspirational to me than all your other posts combined!

    I think that we all can fall into the trap of believing that once we make a decision to change and we've been successful at it for a while, the danger of reverting to poor choices goes away. Of course this is not true, we all take steps backwards at one time or another. God help us when we start viewing ourselves as invincible!

    Listen, I know what it's like to be your own biggest critic, and I'm certainly not trying to get you to let yourself off the hook too easily. But I do think that we all go through up and down seasons, where certain things in our lives temporarily become more important than others. You've had a long season of working on your physical health and fitness. Of course it will always be important, but it can't be your top priority all the time. It's obvious that you've made the mental adjustments you need in order to maintain your progress over the long-term. Don't beat yourself up too much over this short-term set back. 😉

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  2. Erin, if you didn't lose another pound, you'd still be amazing! Even if you find it weird to consider your story inspiring, it's certainly one of personal success that you should be very proud of.

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  3. You're honesty and courage is amazing and inspiring. It's great to hear storie of people who succeed with no troubles, but that's not how most of us live. Most of us are just like you – were we have set-backs and trials and do things we aren't proud of. To me, your honesty encourages me to be honest with myself, and I am grateful to you!

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  4. Great job on posting this – I agree that it's best to be honest, admit it, and move on. Your blog really is inspiring. I love seeing how far you've come and how close you are.

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  5. Erin…thank you for posting this. I needed to read it and be honest with myself as well! You rock…and those 3 pounds are gonna be gone! Keep up your amazing work!

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