Through the Looking Glass

I never thought that losing weight after having Charlotte was going to be easy, but I also wasn’t counting on it being so difficult and laden with emotions.  I had a mini-breakdown Saturday night because I was going through spring and summer clothes in my closet, and none of my favorite pieces fit.  All the cute tops and skirts I enjoyed wearing last year were far too snug to wear in public.  Looking at all of those clothes–clothes that I worked so hard to fit into–made me indescribably sad, and I started feeling like I will never be able to wear them again.  I was just getting to a place where I was comfortable with my body and beginning to like how it looked when I got pregnant.  And even though I wouldn’t change getting pregnant and having Charlotte for anything, I am in mourning.  I am mourning the loss of my self-confidence.  I am mourning the loss of a body I was only beginning to appreciate.  I look in the mirror and see flab and fat everywhere.  I try to run, and after 10 minutes my energy is depleted.  I dread getting ready for work in the morning because I don’t know what I am going to wear and don’t feel pretty in anything I choose. 

Before these past few weeks, I never in my life realized how incredibly vain I am . 

For that’s what it all boils down to–vanity.  Yes, my health is important.  Yes, I need to be at a healthy weight.  But do I need to let how I think I look define who I am?  Do I need to melt into tears over my physical appearance, especially when my life is overflowing with blessing? Do I need to spend most waking hours worrying about how I look or thinking about food and exercise?  No.  Now more than ever I am aware that my struggle is not merely a physical one; it is deeply spiritual.  If I am going to win this battle, I have to put on the armor of God along with my tennis shoes. 

I can’t do it alone.  I simply can’t.  And by the grace of God, I won’t have to.  

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4 thoughts on “Through the Looking Glass

  1. Take it from someone who has had two babies, this reaction is completely normal! I have accumulated about four different size wardrobes over the past four years. Getting your body back to “normal” (although it will never quite be the same again no matter what you do) is a lengthy process. Buy yourself some “in-between” clothes and some spanx, tell yourself you look pretty dang good for someone who just had a baby, and give yourself some grace both in regard to the way you look and your feelings about the way you look. It will get easier, I promise. Charlotte will start sleeping more, you'll start to regain some of your former energy, etc. Life with a baby changes so fast! Before you know it a year will have gone by, and your circumstances (as well as your body) will be completely different. And, it's perfectly ok to wallow in self pity for a minute or two. Every once in a while, every mom longs for the body she used to have! =)

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  2. so much of weight loss is deeper than just going through the physical motions, that's something I've definitely come to grips with over the past year or so. It takes a lot of prayer and pep talk to get out of your head 🙂 I haven't had kids so I don't know what that *particular* challenge is like, but I do know that becoming aware of things is a major first step!

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