It’s true, I’m not giving up. Thanks to those who commented on my last post and encouraged me. I knew even when I wrote it that I wouldn’t actually give up, but I think I needed to just say that I wanted to so I could move past it. I have felt like I have been in somewhat of a dark place lately, really struggling with my weight and feeling mushy and squishy and unhealthy and just fat. What is frustrating about feeling like this is that instead of using that as motivation to get my healthy living into full gear, I just got depressed and felt like I would never lose the weight. I would look at pictures of myself right around the time that I got pregnant and mourn that person and all that she accomplished because I feel like my current weight problem erased all that I previously achieved. I know that is completely irrational, but rationality has not been my strong suit these days. Then I would feel guilty for being so vain and absorbed in how I look when I have so many blessings in my life (hello, wonderful husband and beautiful daughter!), and that would just make me want to eat some more. Basically, I’ve been sort of a mess, and in a lot of ways I still am, but I think I am starting to come out of the fog that has been hovering around me and am finally seeing the light.
Yesterday, I threw away a package of Oreos. I love Oreos, and I bought a small package of them last week when I was at Walgreens because I was feeling depressed about my weight. Yes, that’s right, I bought JUNK FOOD to help me feel less depressed about my weight because I still persist in thinking that food is going to solve all of my problems. Oh, the lies I have been telling myself. And the Oreos were the Double Stuf variety, no less. I told myself I would only eat a serving size (2 cookies), but then I found myself eating 4 cookies and then wanting more and more. Every day I would come to work and those Oreos were calling my name, and I was too weak to ignore the call. Yesterday I finally decided that enough was enough, and I threw the rest of them out. And you know what? Throwing out those cookies felt AMAZING, much better than devouring them did. It feels GOOD to make healthy choices.
I cannot let my life be governed by crazy food cravings. As Made to Crave, an awesome book I have been reading, says, I was made for more than that! Indeed, it is for freedom that Christ has set me free, and I have been living in terrible bondage for far too long. I have been ignoring the spiritual part of this weight loss thing for a long time, and it’s time to stop. I have to acknowledge my gluttony for what it is and seek Jesus with all that is in me, or this obsession with food will swallow me up and prevent me from living the abundant life God intended for me. I need to keep this truth from the book ever at the front of my mind: “If we want to conquer our cravings, we’ll have to redirect them to God.”
And one thought at a time, one craving at a time, one day at a time, I will get there.