For lunch today I had a Lean Cuisine. Then for dinner I had a Whopper. With a Diet Coke. I finished up the day by burning 500 calories on the treadmill.
I am a walking contradiction.
I am weary of fighting with my body, with my mind. I am weary of second-guessing everything I want to eat and wondering if I should or not. I am weary of starting every day with good intentions only to end it wishing I could have a do-over. I’ve been at this weight loss thing for 4.5 YEARS. Shouldn’t it be easier by now? Shouldn’t I have it all figured out?
Instead, I feel more helpless than ever. I feel helpless to change who I am. I feel helpless to lose the rest of the weight I want to lose. I wish I could go back to those first few months of weight loss, where everything was exciting and new and I was dedicated to making weight loss happen. I counted my calories faithfully, got up early and exercised faithfully, lost weight faithfully. It wasn’t all rosy, but I lost 50 pounds that first year. I was doing things right.
Somewhere along the way, something happened. I lost sight of the goal, or maybe I lost sight of where I had been and how really miserable I was when I weighed 261 pounds. I haven’t been that heavy in a long time, and the more removed from it I become, the less I remember about what it was really like to be that heavy.
But it was HARD. I know that. I never could find clothes that I liked. I never liked the way I looked. I never even THOUGHT about running around the block, much less running a half marathon. I would stuff my face with junk and then feel disgusting and defeated afterward. Life as a fat girl was hard, but I sometimes feel like it was easier than the constant struggle I find myself in now.
Every day is a battle. Will I work out or not? Will I log all of my food or not? Will I weight myself or not? Some days I make the right choices. Other days I don’t. And still other days I wish I didn’t have to make a choice at all. I’ve never been very good at making decisions.
I’m tired of thinking about weight loss and food all the time, but I know that if I stop thinking about it, I’ll wake up one day and find myself at 261 pounds again. If I know one thing, I know that I don’t want to be that girl again.
For today, knowing that will have to be enough.