What do you know, it’s been 5 weeks since my last weigh-in post. I confess that the reason for this is not that I’ve stopped weighing but that I haven’t liked the numbers I’ve seen. Still, keeping quiet isn’t helping me, so here you go.
I’m now up a solid 10 pounds from where I was in December, and I’m not happy about it. However, this dissatisfaction obviously hasn’t motivated me to do something about it. As I wrote yesterday, self-discipline has been severely lacking from my life, and my body is paying the price, as is my self-esteem. My size 12 pants are all starting to feel too tight, and most of the time when I look at myself in the mirror, I feel gross. Just writing that sentence makes me feel sad because I am still smaller than I have been since I was 18 years old, and I have managed to maintain a 93-pound weight loss. It’s not like I’m a total failure, and yet I have felt that way recently. I feel like I will never lose another pound.
I know a lot of this is all in my head and stems from my tendency towards negativity. I would never say to other people some of the things I say to myself. I know I am often too hard on myself, but then sometimes I think I am letting myself off too easily. Still, it’s not as though the negative self-talk I often employ actually helps me reach my goals. More often not, the negativity just leaves me feeling more defeated. A defeated life is no life at all, especially for the Christian. In Christ I have freedom, and yet I often live as though I am still in bondage.
Ultimately, I need to stop thinking about myself so much and start thinking more on Christ. He is the remedy to all that ails me, both physical and spiritual. He is my strength when I am weak. And I am so desperately weak.
Tonight I call to mind the words of a wonderful hymn:
And the things of the earth will grow strangely dim