Remember

I consider the days of old,
    the years long ago.
I said,“Let me remember my song in the night;
    let me meditate in my heart.”
    Then my spirit made a diligent search:
“Will the Lord spurn forever,
    and never again be favorable?
Has his steadfast love forever ceased?
    Are his promises at an end for all time?
Has God forgotten to be gracious?
    Has he in anger shut up his compassion?” Selah

10 Then I said, “I will appeal to this,
    to the years of the right hand of the Most High.”

11 I will remember the deeds of the Lord;
    yes, I will remember your wonders of old.
12 I will ponder all your work,
    and meditate on your mighty deeds.

Psalm 77:5-12

Three years ago on this date, I was waiting to be admitted to the hospital after having spent a miserable 7 hours in the emergency room. I remember thinking at one point that I was going to spend the rest of my life waiting in that ER and would never hear my name called. I was so desperately sick and so desperate to know what was wrong with me. Of course, long time readers of my blog know that what was wrong with me is that I have ulcerative colitis, which I learned just a few days after I was admitted to the hospital.

I can’t think about this time of year without thinking about those early days of my illness. That week I spent in the hospital is one of the defining periods of my life. Though it was horrible and difficult, it was also beautiful because of the way that the Lord showered love and blessings on me. I spent a lot of time reading His Word while in the hospital, and the words became alive to me in a whole new way. Even though I was so confused and didn’t fully understand what was happening or how my life would change as a result of my diagnosis, and even though I was afraid of what would come, I felt a tremendous sense of peace and freedom from worry. And I know that this is a gift that could only come from God because ordinarily worry is my daily companion!

Counting my blessings while in the hospital

Counting my blessings while in the hospital

I feel that it is especially important for me to remember that time in my life right now, as I’m a week away from hip surgery. I’m facing another relatively unknown situation, and I’m unsure of how it will all turn out. I hope and pray that the surgery relieves my pain, but I also know there is a long road ahead of me, and I am not guaranteed success. So as I am tempted to worry and fret and imagine every horrible worse case scenario I can think of, I stop and remember. I remember the goodness of the Lord. I remember His steadfast love and faithfulness. I remember that He does not change and is the same yesterday, today, and forever. I remember that there is nowhere I can go that He is not there with me. I remember that He is my strength when I am weak, the Rock that I cling to. I remember that He is the lifter of my head. I remember that though my flesh and my heart may fail, He is the strength of my heart. I remember that He has given me everything I need for life and godliness. I remember, and I am comforted. I remember, and I know that the grace that has carried me through life with ulcerative colitis is the same grace that will meet me with every trial I face.

I am not promised a life free from pain. What I am promised, and what I know I can count on, is that God will be with me. What wondrous love!

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